Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 July 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 05 July 2013
  • Currently 9.65/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (52)

Commitment phobia!

Judy : I fail to understand what makes men so scared of commitment!

Vinnie : You are telling me! I dated this guy for a two years, and finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Judy: What did you tell him?

Vinnie: I just told him, "Look, you better tell me your last name, or its quits!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Chuck Norris died this morning...

Chuck Norris died this morning. But don't worry, he's completely fine now.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

Funny video of the day - Honda "Hands"

Honda "Hands" - Honda "Hands" film celebrates the curiosity of Honda engineers, which has led to some of the most successful Honda innovations over the past 65 years. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

“The gunman took a sh...

“The gunman took a shot at new opportunities.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.90/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (10)

The Old Lawyer....

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

What do you mean he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82" replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check" said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

"Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Perfect dad swing

Perfect dad swing - It is rainy outside? No problem! | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 3.0/10 (6)

Excuse For Speeding


A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the the car in back of me."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Business one-liners 43

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.

The other line always moves faster.

The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.

The person not here is the one working on the problem.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Find number abc

If c7c44 - c4ca7 = b017 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

One of the Worst Jokes Ever Written

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

A: Because if it had four it would be a sedan!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

A stranger's advice

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"

Bar

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

#joke
Joke | Source: Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 2.17/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (12)

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (34)

A Silent Bomb in Church

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 March 2010
  • Currently 5.15/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (46)

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 4.65/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (46)

Chuck Norris has to use a stun...

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 3.59/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (27)

Climbing

Q: Why did the blond climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 4.72/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (25)

Answering Machine Message 208


(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (24)

Happy Birthday

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.

The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Glaci

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 July 2010
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Rating: 4.5/10 (22)

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