Jokes of the day for Sunday, 07 July 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 07 July 2013 |
Adult jokes-University rash
After a few days, Dr. Jones is attending to another girl with a rash on her chest; only this time it is in the shape of a "S". To his amazement, she tells him a similar story, "My boyfriend attends Stanford and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes the same treatment for this girl and sends her home.
Much to his surprise, a few days later another girl goes to his office with a rash on her chest. The doctor notices that her rash is in the shape of an "M". As she begins to explain how she got the rash, he interrupts her by saying, "Let me guess. Your boyfriend goes to Missouri and he likes to wear his varsity letter sweater when you make love."
The girl grins back and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."
Ballpen in space
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
A teacher in a political scien...
A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"A student answered, "The First Pet?"
The teacher then asked, "Why?"
The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."
Funny video of the day - Unexpected Dance Move of the Day
A teacher in a political scien...
A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"A student answered, "The First Pet?"
The teacher then asked, "Why?"
The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."
The horse...
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, 'What was that for?'
She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'
He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'
She answered, 'Your horse called.'
Confusion About Y2K
Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.
In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.
Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?
Kangaroo + Leap Year =
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?
A leap year!
On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.Waking Up for Church
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked."I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"
Mitch Hedberg: Fore!
I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him. What she Really Means...
What she Really Means
I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
Son : Mom, when I was on the b...
Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!
Lawyer Vacancy
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"