Jokes of the day for Sunday, 14 July 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 14 July 2013
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (42)

Supermarket trolley

Tom: Do you know the difference between Britney Spears and a supermarket trolley?

Harry : What?

Tom: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Good thinking

Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down.

As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk. Each of them decides to take one thing with her.

The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry, the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty and the blonde takes a car door.

When questioned about her choice, the blonde replies:

"Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (10)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (6)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

ABC

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.

"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."

"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?

"It's running down my leg."

#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (10)

The twins....

One day Mr. Phillard was laying down on his bed until his wife screamed, 'Oww! I'm having labor pains!'

So Mr. Phillard rushed his wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife Mr. Phillard's brother Bill arrived at the hospital. Bill is a little slow in the head if you know what I mean and seems to always bother Mr. Phillard. So when the doctor called Mr. Phillard in to watch the birth he walked in with pride! But when he saw the blood and everything else, he fainted.

When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed and saw the doctor standing above him. The doctor said, 'Mr. Phillard, you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins.' Mr. Phillard became tremendously happy. The doctor also said, 'They are a boy and a girl!'

Mr. Phillard became immensely happy!! The doctor continued, 'Although you were unconscious and your wife as well because of the anesthesia she requested, your brother Bill name the kids.'

Mr. Phillard screamed, 'What! My brother the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them!?' The doctor replied, 'Well, he named your daughter Denice'

Mr. Phillard answered, 'Hey not bad! I underestimated my brother. Well what did he name my son?'

The doctor answered solemnly, 'He named your son Denephew.'

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (8)

Find number abc

If bbba8 - 3cca4 = 3aa04 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Yo Mama Is So Flat

yo mama is so flat that they call her chest the great plains
#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

Play Your Age

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the

roulette she

says, "I have no idea what number to play."

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.

The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.

The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (6)

“As usual, the chief ...

“As usual, the chief meteorologist blustered his way through the staff meeting.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (12)

Biblical Babysitter

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 July 2012
  • Currently 2.87/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (23)

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cen...

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 May 2011
  • Currently 1.86/10

Rating: 1.9/10 (7)

On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 July 2011
  • Currently 3.45/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (33)

i know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 July 2011
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (30)

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 July 2012
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (30)

Microsoft Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T he sign said "WHERE AM I?"

in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 July 2010
  • Currently 5.21/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (28)

Biblical Babysitter

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 July 2012
  • Currently 2.87/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (23)

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