Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 July 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 July 2013
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (57)

Hilarious nasties

Laurel to Hardy: Do you know your brain is a masterpiece.

Hardy: You really think so? Thanks.

Laurel: Yeah, in the left half, nothing is right, and in the right, nothing is left.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (4)

Husband for sale

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Auckland.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (13)

Funny video of the day - Pool Ball dunk Win

Pool Ball dunk Win - NBA Style - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Foiled classroom

Foiled classroom - What a waste of foil and time. Why? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (8)

A postcard...

"And will there be anything else, sir ?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Business one-liners 80

It's Not My Job!

It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.

It's out of my control.

Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (6)

Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is N. Length of words in solution: 5,5,9.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Black and Brown

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.36/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (11)

“The passenger couldn...

“The passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but then he made the connection.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

It is said that looking into C...

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 December 2011
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

Husband 1.0


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 February 2010
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (18)

Life cycle of software

The Life Cycle of Software

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. See 3.
  6. See 4.
  7. See 5.
  8. See 6.
  9. See 7.
  10. See 8.
  11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  12. Users find 137 new bugs.
  13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
  16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
  18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  19. See step 2

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 4.72/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (39)

Potatoes!

One night there was three fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a red-head. They had the police hot on their trail and quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the red-head, quickly thinking said they should all hid in old potatoe sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potatoe sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these' The officer kicks the Red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the Brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and he hears....

'POTATOES POTATOES!'

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (27)

John Mulaney: Women Friends

I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other. You could never put together a heist of women. Like Oceans 11 with women wouldnt work cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (26)

One day, a guy went into a sto...

One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.

He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.

The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.

He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.

As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.

He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.

He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.

The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, "No refunds".

The guy shook his head, and said, "No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 July 2011
  • Currently 5.04/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (25)

Sticky Hair?

Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump.

Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?"

So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 July 2012
  • Currently 3.74/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (19)

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