Jokes of the day for Monday, 05 August 2013

Before they met Chuck Norris, ...

Before they met Chuck Norris, the Black Eyed Peas were simply known as "The Peas."

“Conjoined twins aren...

“Conjoined twins aren't the only twins with special connections.”

The Playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to...

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to...

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Good news and bad news....

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

Mistakes On A Resume

These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

Irish Laughs

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."

"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Men and Lava Lamps

Q: How are men like lava lamps?
A: They're fun to look at, but not that bright.

Valet parking

Too Much Time at the

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be.

Girlfriend to wife

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Mr I N Distress

Dear I N Distress,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0

-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD

-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

With best wishes,

Tech Support.

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”