Jokes of the day for Thursday, 08 August 2013

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 08 August 2013
  • Currently 9.32/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (50)

Chicken on the Football Field

Why did the chicken run onto the football field?

Because the umpire called a foul.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (14)

Chuck Norris has more Facebook...

Chuck Norris has more Facebook friends than Facebook has users.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.28/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (47)

Funny video of the day - Dad Tricks Daughter into Eating Veggies

Dad Tricks Daughter into Eating Veggies - Sneaky Brazilian dad uses a Kit Kat bar to trick baby Sophia into eating her vegetables - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

“I opened a shop sell...

“I opened a shop selling budgerigars. They're flying off the shelves.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.38/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

Special gift

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (11)

Funny Photo of the day - How to carry stuff on bike

How to carry stuff on bike - All you need is duct tape | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.17/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (6)

Photographer with a dog

Mark the photographer has a dog with one leg missing. You know what he calls his dog?

Tripod.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (2)

A guy walking down a street on...

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.
The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"
The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (8)

Calculate the number 1651

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1651 using numbers [7, 2, 6, 1, 73, 614] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A close shave...

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (4)

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


Operating in stand-by mode.
Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Out there where the buses don't run.
Outlet isn't grounded.
Over the rainbow.
Overdue for reincarnation.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Paged/swapped out.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parents beat him with an ugly stick.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.
People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.
Perfect chassis, bad driver.
Perfect face for Halloween.
#joke #halloween
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Koala in a bar

A Koala walks into a bar.

A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?"

The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.

The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.

Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.

"Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?"

And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't."

And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money."

And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala."

"What's that?" asks the hooker.

"An animal that eats bushes and leaves."

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 15 April 2009
  • Currently 6.23/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (39)

Punishment for Missing Church

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 08 August 2009
  • Currently 5.96/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (46)

How God Created the Computer

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 August 2011
  • Currently 4.62/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (26)

A Rabbi and a Priest Buy a Car…

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 August 2010
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (21)

Cowboy's Canine

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 August 2008
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (18)

A kindergarten teacher handed ...

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 August 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (12)

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