Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Chuck Norris listens to "Requi...

Chuck Norris listens to "Requiem for a Tower" when he eats pancakes.

“I had a novel idea f...

“I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.”

Funny jokes-White collar crime

At a seminar on American Socia...

At a seminar on American Social Justice, a Civil Rights leader opined, "Anti-Americans are killing the better Americans - the likes of Osama-bin-Laden, Bernie Madoff, John Gotti, to name a few - surprising and confusing most Americans."
He further pointed out, "More surprising is the fact that Mob Wives are popular celebrities today."

Name that bird...

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

THE DRUNK

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

Kangaroo Sleepovers

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

School Collection 08

A math joke
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!

A history joke
What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

A history joke
Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!

A math joke
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!

Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

Buddhists and the Blues

Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Chiyo

Dating a Nun

Did you hear about the guy who tried to date a nun?
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account of she had taken a vow abstaining from Carnival pleasures.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeerLover

Sticks and stones may break yo...

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquify your kidneys.

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Jeff Dunham: Unimpressive Superheroes

Jeff Dunham: I like Aquaman. He can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Melvin: Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.

Get Your Ire Up

Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."

The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second decided to try.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"

"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."

The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third man knew he had the solution.

"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"

"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."