Guess who's the bride
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies, “I don't like her.”
Really funny jokes-Pass the ball
“That's really nice. But can you pass the ball? That's what counts.” said the coach.
The boy was thoughtful while the coach was waiting. Finally he said: “It's like this sir. If I can swallow it, I guess I can pass it too.”
Little Johnny wasn't very good...Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
Football Tryout...The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'
Your Dentist Is Crazy
The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy
- Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
- His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
- Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
- Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
- He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
- Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
- When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
- Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
- Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
- Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
What's orange and sounds like ...
“I can't think of any...
“I can't think of any kayak brands, canoe?”
A grasshopper walks into a bar...A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
Make God Laugh
You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
Thou Shalt Not...One day there was a preacher that was expressing to his
deacons how upset he was that his brand new bike had been
The last place that he could remember leaving it was outside
the church. So he figured someone at the church had to have
One of his deacons came up with the idea of preaching a
sermon on the 10 Commandments, in hope that the bike would be
returned out of guilt.
Of course,the preacher agreed.
That Sunday morning, he began to get into his sermon and
started the 10 Commandments.
1.Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
2.Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image....
and so on he went until he came to thou shalt not commit
adultery and the preacher stopped preaching and ended his
After church the deacons asked the preacher why he stopped
half way through the sermon and he replied that he remembered
where his bike was.
Once upon a time there was a n...Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
Forgive Me FatherAbout a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind." He paused for a moment and then said, "I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Jobs at the food company...
One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.
After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.
The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.
Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.
The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.
The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.
The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.
The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."
Benefits of the RevivalAfter the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"