Jokes of the day for Sunday, 22 December 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 22 December 2013 |
Funny jokes-TV repairman
"Hurry," she urged the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
Tracy's husband, David came in and made himself comfortable in his favorite sofa to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squeezed up and getting hotter and hotter.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, he climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"
A man walking down the street ...
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
Let him dig...
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."
Banana and the vibra
What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.“Did you hear about t...
“Did you hear about the lost sausage? It was the missing link.”
Bush Sues Santa
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
A college student picked up hi...
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
A little girl is sitting on he...
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
A Moral Question
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday
Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!
My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.
Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.
Long lines everywhere
There was a guy in high school that landed a date with the hottest girl in class for the prom.First, he went to pick out a suit, and had to wait in a huge line.
Then he went and picked out flowers, and waited in a huge line.
Even when he called around for limo's, he had to wait in hold lines for all of them.
Getting ready for after the prom, there was even a long line at the pharmacy.
Finally the big night arrives and he takes his dance to the prom. When they get there, he asks his date if she wants him to get drink and she says yes.
Much to his surprise, there was no punch line.
Riding Nun’s
Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One says breathlessly, "I've never come this way before!"
To which the other replies, "It's the cobblestones."
Memorial Day
Memorial Day Long lines everywhere
There was a guy in high school that landed a date with the hottest girl in class for the prom.First, he went to pick out a suit, and had to wait in a huge line.
Then he went and picked out flowers, and waited in a huge line.
Even when he called around for limo's, he had to wait in hold lines for all of them.
Getting ready for after the prom, there was even a long line at the pharmacy.
Finally the big night arrives and he takes his dance to the prom. When they get there, he asks his date if she wants him to get drink and she says yes.
Much to his surprise, there was no punch line.