Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 December 2013
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 December 2013 |
“I heard about this n...
“I heard about this new governing document that says people can only go to the bathroom one per day. It's called the Constipation.”
Would you like me to be your friend?
Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Caught For Speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Funny video of the day - Dumper fail
College letters
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest."How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Funny jokes-TV repairman
"Hurry," she urged the repairman, "You'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
Tracy's husband, David came in and made himself comfortable in his favorite sofa to watch some football.
Inside the TV, the repairman was all squeezed up and getting hotter and hotter.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, he climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"
Three convicts were on the way...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. Robert Schmidt 13
My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On:
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah - The Megamix
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those Gosh Darn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
submitted by leighli
April Fool's Day - Suggestion
Yogurt, Peach, and Apple Disguised as an Egg and Fries Windows frozen, won't open.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Dennis Rodman
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
A guy falls asleep on the beac...
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.
He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, asedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."
The Company Picnic
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”