Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 January 2014
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 03 January 2014 |
Hilarious jokes-Tension
Patient replies, “That's exactly what I have been telling my wife. But she is not prepared to use the guest room.”
“I thought Santa was ...
“I thought Santa was going to be late, but he arrived in the Nick of time.”
Work or play...
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
Rednecks flying home
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
Dollars Equal Ten Cents
Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent
The chemical formula for the h...
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.Nursery school teacher says to...
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
An Apocalyptic One-Liner
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.
Women and Men...
WOMENWomen are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff,...
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.honest lawyer
Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"asked his friend.
"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".
One Minute Birthday
Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.
Missed it
A busload of tourists arrives at Runnymede, just west of central London.
They gather around the guide who says: “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A guy at the front of the crowd asks: "When did that happen?”
“1215,” answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says: “Damn! Missed it by a half hour.”
The good news
A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knocks him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.
The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."
The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."
The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"
The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."
Bad news or terrible news
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."