Jokes of the day for Sunday, 19 January 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 19 January 2014 |
Overgrown boy
How do you define Marriage?
It's an eyewash involving the adoption of an overgrown boy whose parents can't handle him anymore!
Four best friends met at the h...
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
Sibling lessons...
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."
Redneck quickies 28
You might be a rednack if...You've ever re-used a paper plate.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
When you hear someone talking about the king you don't know whether they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
You complain about the ban on assault weapons because it make half your guns illegal.
You use a pig for a garbage disposal.
You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You clean your car or truck out with a leaf blower.
Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
You gave your young son a super-soaker water gun and an NRA application for his birthday.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You spell fertilizer with only 4 letters.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've ever slam-shifted a tractor.
Hipster Booty Call... Judgment
Can I come over and judge you by the books on your shelf?
Hiring An Accountant
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
Chuck Norris can drink an enti...
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.To be or not to be? That is th...
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.Drunk date
A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.
The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.
So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"
So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A man was walking along a Cali...
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women.... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment.... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'.... know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
A girl from New York and a gir...
A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side byside on an airplane.The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than touse a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
What Their Daddy's Do
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do. Little Mary went first,
“My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”
“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane
“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is dead” says Johnny
“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”
“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”