Jokes of the day for Sunday, 23 February 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 23 February 2014 |
Poisonous Snake
2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"
Restaurant jokes-Conversation
First diner: "I don't like the chief of the Nakoda tribe!"
Second diner: "Ok then, just eat the vegetables."
Break in....
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!"
Halloween Handouts
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
- Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
- Teeth removing Taffy
- Metamucil in a straw
- Ex-Lax Brownies
- Caramel Covered Zucchini
- Colored Crisco on a Stick
- Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
- Chocolate Covered Prunes
- A Handful of Red Man
- Anything that ticks!
Golfing
Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf one day.Jesus stepped up to the tee, swung, but caught a real bad slice and the ball caught hard left straight into the pond.
"No problem!" he said, and then made the ball rise so he could walk out on the pond, and chip it right onto the green.
"Not bad, young fella!" Said Moses. But he suffered the same fate dropping the ball into the pond.
Stepping to the edge, he parted the water, stepped in and chipped it onto the green.
Finally the old man steps up. not quite certain on how the game was played, tees off.
The ball also caught hard to the left, and straight to the pond.
Before the ball hit, a fish dove out and ate it, but before entering the water again, a bird swoops down and eats the fish.
Flying over the green, the bird coughs up the fish, when the fish hit the green, the ball popped out, onto the green and rolled right into the cup!
"Hooray!!! A hole in one!!!" Cried the old man.
Then Jesus steps up and says, "Dad! stop messing around, and play golf!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
“Have you ever tried ...
“Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.”
Chuck Norris can speak braille...
Chuck Norris can speak braille.Whitney Cummings: Problem With Vampires
The problem with vampires is they look like theyre 20, but theyre actually 100 years old. So youll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and hes doing the Charleston. Or you think hes cheating on you, so you go through his journal. Youre like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that? Sex and athletics....
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Pete Holmes: Employee Discount
What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think its just take it? Parents
What do you call a couple who uses the rhythm method of birth control?Parents.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
35 New Halloween jokes from 2023
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?
Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!
Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.
Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.
Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.
How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.
How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.
What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.
Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.
Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes
Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.
How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.
What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?
Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.
Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.
What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.
What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.
Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.
What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!
Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.
When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.
Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.
Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.
What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!
He only had one pupil!
What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.
Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.
Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
Home in no time
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."
Bert always wanted a pair of a...
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought a pair and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered in to the kitchen and said to his wife, Margaret, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off in to the bedroom, undressed and walked back in to the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert. What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "And do you know why it's hanging down?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"It's hanging down, because it's looking at my new boots!"
And without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a new hat, Bert."