“Which illness are wi...
“Which illness are witches most prone to? Crone's disease.”
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Funny video of the day - Compilation of Weird Japanese Commercials
The richest man in the World
It was disappointing for him as the crow would not make any sound, until one day the crow uttered the words, "Bill, someday you will become the richest man in the world".
Bill was amazed. He wanted to learn more but the crow became quiet and would not utter another word. So, he decided to go to a gypsy fortune-teller. The old lady looked into her crystal ball and said, "You are destined to be the richest man in the world, but you need to perform a simple task."
When she told Bill what is to be done, he ran home, full of excitement. Bill's mother found him cooking something in the kitchen the next morning.
She asked him what he was doing and he replied, "Mother, do you remember what the crow said to me the other day?"
His mother said, "Right Bill, but what are you cooking?"
"Well," said Bill, "I went to see the Gypsy fortune-teller and she confirmed what the crow had to say!"
"Wow, that's wonderful!" said his mother, "But what is it that you are cooking in the pot?"
"Well, the gypsy woman told me that I needed to do a simple thing to get my fortune!"
His mother said impatiently, "Yes Bill, now will you tell me what are you cooking?"
His eyes gleaming, Bill Gates replied "Well, she asked me to make MY CROW SOFT!!"
Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINTUES apart. IF it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.
Scary Collection 34
A cannibal joke
What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast?
A ghost joke
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies!
A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibal crossed the Atlantic on the QE2?
He told the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list!
A ghost joke
Where do ghosts live?
A ghost joke
How do you know if your being haunted by a parrot?
He keeps going "ooo's a pretty boy then"!
A vampire joke
What did the vampire say to the wolfman?
You look like your going to the dogs!
A vampire joke
What's the difference between a vampire and a biscuit?
You don't know?
Well don't try dunking a vampire in your tea!
12 days of christmasSung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 pack of Redman
6 cans of spam
5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....
4 big mo tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and parts to a Mustang GT...
Which is a winning combination of digits?
Lice-nse to Ill
What do you call lice on a bald man's head?
I Am Napoleon
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
A linguistics professor was le...A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."
It was a stifling hot day and ...It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.
Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.
When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Answering Machine Message 32
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