Jokes of the day for Monday, 14 April 2014

“My dog has a lot of ...

“My dog has a lot of potential, you just have to unleash it.”

Pet Store

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”

Funny reply

New Years Resolutions

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

What Is Two Plus Two?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

Pig-ipede

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on t...

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Bulletin Bloopers

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer

A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

Gone Camping

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.

Complete coverage

Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

John Oliver: Cell Phone Videos

I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.

T.J. Miller: Fighting With an Ex

She said, Youre an unoriginal jerk. Everything youve said to me youve said to some other girl. I felt awful but I was like, Yeah, of course. Theres only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, youre going to run out and be like, Garbage truck banana boat.

The good news

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knocks him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, pulling up his eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer.

The doctor says: "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says: "Don't hold back, Doc, tell me the bad news."

The doctor says "Your condition was worse than we thought and we had to amputate both of your legs."

The man asks: "What is the good news, then?"

The doctor replies: "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."