Jokes of the day for Saturday, 26 April 2014

Shopping trip...

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

The animals were bored. Finall...

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. "Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

I Am Afraid Of That Tarmac

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.
The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?
The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

Computer Viruses

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:

Your 1.3 GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb and then slowly expands back to 1.3 GB.

AT&T VIRUS:

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS:

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back...

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:

Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS:

Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort".

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

EMELDA MARCOS VIRUS:

Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:

It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congressional virus.

DENVER BRONCOS VIRUS:

Makes your P133 machine perform like a 286/AT

L.A.P.D. VIRUS:

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

Packed in One Honda

Q: How many people can you fit in one Honda?

A: Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

Toaster

“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.”

Short funny jokes-Good old times

Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Splenda sales are up because C...

Splenda sales are up because Chuck Norris has no Equal.

Chuck Norris has already been ...

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

Fat free....

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

Rules Kids Won't Learn in School

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “it's not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $50,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It's my life,” and “You're not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

Simon Says?

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion.
“That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.
A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”
Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”
Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.
“Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

An army Major visiting sick so...

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before them two, Sir."

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"