Jokes of the day for Thursday, 01 May 2014

“When the pharmacist ...

“When the pharmacist found out her husband was having an affair it was a hard pill to swallow.”

Comedy of errors

It changed the meaning...

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

Yo mama soo POOR!

Yo mama so POOR I saw her crying by the 25 cent machine, and asked her what's wrong. She said, 'The machine won't take my food stamps!'

Time Flies

Q: Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?

A: He wanted to see time fly.

Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Chuck Norris was in the amazon...

Chuck Norris was in the amazon one day when he was bit by a vicious snake. After 3 days of pain and suffering... the snake died.

Three Vampires Go To A Bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

A man walks into a bar and he'...

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******."
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "no, Iam

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.
He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Chelsea Handler: Not Excited About Alcoholism

Theres a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. You drink too much. You sleep too much. Its like, if you were drunk all the time, youd be tired, too.

Little Johnny's kindergarten c...

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

A middle aged Irish woman went...

A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Bejaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Shy pebble, and few more new funny jokes

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
I don't know.
So it was YOU!

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?
Recycling.

My friend couldn't pay his water bill,
so I sent him a "get well soon" card

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

I was trying to steal some spaghetti from the local supermarket
... but the security lady saw me and I couldn't get pasta

I once met a shy pebble.
She wished she was a little bolder.

I think my wife had sixty one partners before me
…she calls me her sixty second lover

Earth is 70% water and uncarbonated.
Technically…
it is flat.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.