Jokes of the day for Thursday, 15 May 2014

Mother: "Are you talking back ...

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."

“Textile workers who ...

“Textile workers who lived at the manufacturing site in fabricated dwellings were closely knitted.”

Lamaze class question....

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is GOOD for you! Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt YOU to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Real News Headlines 12

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

The Innocence of Children

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the

weather that morning was questionable and clouds were

forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon

progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and

lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her

daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school,

and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm

her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a

flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern,

the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route

to her child's school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at

each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and

smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the

little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the

mother called over to her child and asked, "What are you

doing?"

The child answered, "Smiling. God just keeps taking pictures

of me."

The Blonde and the Blinker

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

As the plane was flying low ov...

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"


"Just snow," replied the stewardess.


"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

Magic Window

Two guys are sitting at a bar.

"You know why I love this bar?" asks the first one.

"No," says the second guy. "Why do you love this bar?"

The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground. "It has a magic window," he says. "You jump out of that window, and you can fly."

The second guy just shakes his head. "Shut up."

"No," says the first guy. "It really is a magic window. I'll prove it to you."

So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies. He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in. He walks to his barstool, and takes a sip of his drink. "See?" he says.

The first guy looks confused. He looks at his drink. "I must be drunk," he says.

"Still don't believe me?" asks the second guy. "I'll show you again." He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again. This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives. When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.

"Wow," says the second guy. "A magic window." He gets off his barstool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death. The first guy starts laughing.

The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face. "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Kryptonite has been found to c...

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

History of Math in America

Last week I purchased a drink at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 one dollar bills. I then pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In The 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In The 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In The 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In The 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In The 2000s
Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
7. Teaching Math In 2011
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures."

When Chuck Norris does divisio...

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Recyclables

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send 'em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send 'em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?

French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!

Brian Regan: Einstein

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult? You dont know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein. I dont think were honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

Look at the bright side at least mondays...

Look at the bright side at least mondays only happen once a week!