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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 27 May 2014

What do marriage and a tornado...

What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end someone loses a house.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

“What do you call a p...

“What do you call a pig in a rickshaw? Pulled pork.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #94 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Dumb Horse

A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."

Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."

#joke
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Dance battle

Dance battle - Dance battle between Monfils and Lokoli at Roland Garros - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (7)

A suggestion from a Human Reso...

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - License plate

License plate - If getting this randomly assigned license plate is the greatest thing that has ever happened to you… | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

First day at school...

The child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Marriage

What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?

Marriage.

#joke #short #blonde
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

The Bad Belt

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

A: He held up a pair of pants.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 March 2014
  • Currently 6.22/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (9)

Real News Headlines 13


Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".
On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 February 2010
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (8)

Amy Schumer: Worst Part About Drinking

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When Im drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 May 2011
  • Currently 3.35/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (55)

The phrase "dead ringer" refer...

The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 May 2011
  • Currently 3.49/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (53)

Hillary goes to heaven

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you as soon as I can."

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"

St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."

Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"

St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery."

Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"

St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 May 2012
  • Currently 5.55/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (44)

Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 May 2011
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (42)

Jordan Rubin: German Porno

I got a German porno movie the other day. It has subtitles, which is great cause, otherwise, I would have had no idea what was going on.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 May 2012
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (38)

The Job Security Quiz

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Full payment

Two women are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then, the woman turns to the other and hands her a bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," she says.

#joke #short
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

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