What lies at the bottom of the...What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
“What's the best way ...
“What's the best way to serve a stack of puncakes? Syruptitiously.”
Funny video of the day - Speeding on longboard fail
In The Hotel Lobby
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
True Politicial Story
Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.
Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."
Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."
Little Balls and Old Ladies
Q: What has a bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
What a winning combination?
A poet and a scientist were tr...A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
Cross the AtlanticWhy did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
Computer Problem Report FormDescribe your problem:
Now, describe the problem accurately:
Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up
Is your computer plugged in? Yes No
Is it turned on? Yes No
Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes No
Have you made it worse? Yes
Have you read the manual? Yes No
Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes No
Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No
Do you think you understood it? Yes No
If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
How tall are you? Are you above this line?
What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes No
How does this problem make you feel?
Tell me about your childhood
Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes No
Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes
Fred & SaddamQ: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.