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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 02 July 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 02 July 2014

The new lawyer...

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."

#joke #lawyer
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

A bear walks into a bar. He sa...

A bear walks into a bar. He says, "I'll have a gin... ... ... ... and tonic." The bartender says, "Sure, but what about the big pause?" The bear says, "I was born with them."
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #51 - Funny Photo Slideshow

“I like vegetables, b...

“I like vegetables, but my friend doesn't carrot call.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Puppy dog loves her new water fountain!

Puppy dog loves her new water fountain! - This boxer dog is having the best day ever! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

Tractor Salesman

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

#joke #beer
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - Driver with strong arm

Driver with strong arm - Ready for joy ride | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (9)

Fish says, "Duuuuude!"

What does a fish use to get high?

Seaweed!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 December 2013
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (9)

Scary Collection 04


A ghost joke
This woman wanted to marry a ghost.
I don't know what possessed her!

A witch joke
Have you heard about the good weather witch?
She's forecasting sunny spells!

A cannibal joke
Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

A witch joke
How do witches tell the time?
By looking at their witch watches!

A vampire joke
What was the Californian vampire hippy like?
He was ghoul man, real ghoul!

A witch joke
What happens if you see twin witches?
You won't be able to see which witch is witch!

A Halloween joke
Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween?
It was for "tick or tweet"!

#joke #halloween
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 July 2013
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Working late

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 October 2011
  • Currently 3.94/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (47)

Weekend at Daves..

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.

"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.

"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"

"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 July 2011
  • Currently 3.48/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (48)

Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans

I dont know if youve ever been to England, but as soon as they find out youre from America, they hate you. They just think theyre more sophisticated than we are. Theyre so pissed at us. You know what it is? Theyre mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 July 2010
  • Currently 3.66/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (44)

Cheapest Meat

Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 July 2012
  • Currently 4.49/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (39)

Blondes Never Have Ice

Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

A: They forgot the recipe.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 July 2008
  • Currently 5.49/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (35)

Lightbulb Joke Collection 94


Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 July 2011
  • Currently 3.47/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (32)

Demetri Martin: Employee of the Month

I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 June 2012
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (27)

A 90-year-old man said to his...

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have anelderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he wasgoing out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella insteadof his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside thestream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.74/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (54)

Donald Trump's top jokes about White House chaos at Gridiron Dinner

On White House turmoil: "It’s invigorating since you want turnover. I like chaos ... Who’s going to be the next to leave? Steve Miller, or Melania?"

On his son-in-law Jared Kushner: "We were late tonight because Jared could not get through security."

On Vice President Mike Pence: "He is one of the best straight men you're ever going to meet ... he is straight. Man." Trump also said, "I really am proud to call him the apprentice "

On Attorney General Jeff Sessions: "I offered him a ride over and he recused himself. What are you going to do?"

On Kim Jong Un: "I won't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong Un. I just won't. As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that's his problem, not mine. It's his problem."

On The New York Times: "I'm a New York icon. You're a New York icon. And the only difference is I still own my buildings."

On former chief strategist Steven Bannon: "That guy leaked more than the Titanic."

On the first lady: Trump said he doesn't understand why everyone says freemelania. He said she's actually having a great time

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

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