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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 05 July 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 05 July 2014

Q: What do cars eat on their t...

Q: What do cars eat on their toast?
A: Petroleum jelly.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

Two snails went to an auto rac...

Two snails went to an auto race. There were twenty six cars, so instead of numbers the cars were identified by letters from A to Z. As the race started, the S car quickly sped away from the trailing pack of cars. Seeing this, the one snail said to the other, "Hey, look at that S car go!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #129 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

A collection of insults!

Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.

People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.

Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.

You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?

I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.

No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

#joke
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Drink a coffee without touching the glass

Drink a coffee without touching the glass - Drink a coffee without touching the glass | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Cow with No Legs

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs.

A: Ground Beef!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.75/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (4)

“When the plant could...

“When the plant couldn't absorb water properly he sought a xylem.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.09/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (11)

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

#joke
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

New Chemical Warfare


An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 August 2009
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (6)

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 5.03/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (64)

Chuck Norris has to use a stun...

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (51)

Answering Machine Message 208


(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (41)

Climbing

Q: Why did the blond climb the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (28)

Happy Birthday

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.

The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Glaci

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 05 July 2010
  • Currently 4.55/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (22)

old man goes to the Dr ...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "

Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

A pain in the leg

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"

"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

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