Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 22 July 2014

There once was a man named McC...

There once was a man named McCrass.
His balls were made out of brass.
When he clanged them together,
They made stormy weather,
And lightning shot out of his ass.

“I don't trust these ...

“I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.”

Pray Before Eating

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

The secret of my success

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

Dirty taste...

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia.

Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him.

The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again.

The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue.

The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Unpaid Parking Tickets

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Chicago Tribune
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

Pretty normal

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she said. "The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling."

The psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty normal."

"Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It worries my daughter's husband too."

Dane Cook: By a Round of Applause

Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, How you feeling? We always say that, By a round of applause, how do you feel? Right? By a round of applause, how you feeling? Its the only place in the world that you judge how youre feeling by a round of applause... Theres never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- Maam! Maam! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- shes not clapping!

Three Blonds On Death Row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

Santa is a Woman

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Business one-liners 65

If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

If it doesn't work, expand it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Hard boil all the eggs in the carton and place them back in the refrigerator.
2. Paint a bar of soap completely with clear nail polish so it won’t suds up.
3. Turn every setting in someone’s car to the maximum: the heat, the radio, the wipers, the seats, etc.
4. Place a small piece of Post-it note over the ball under someone’s computer mouse so that it won’t work.
5. Switch the handles on the refrigerator to the side that doesn’t open.

Piercing Jokes

June 28th is International Body Piercing Day! Find joke about it!

A man walked into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
Because he had so many piercings in his face he could hardly see where he was going!

How did the blind woman pierce her ear?
Answering the stapler.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

What do you call an actor that can put a hole in anything?
Pierce Brosnan.

How much do pirates charge to pierce someone's ears?
A buck an ear.

Why do blondes pierce their Belly Button?
Somewhere to hang the air freshener.

#internationalbodypiercingday #piercingday

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

At the pharmacy

A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."