Why can't you hear rabbits mak...Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
An elderly woman called 911 on...An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
14 signs your Kitty wants you dead14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.
11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'
7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
Chicken on the Field
Q: Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
A: Because the umpire called a foul.
Which is a winning combination of digits?
“To use a computer to...
“To use a computer to prospect for gold, you need to downlode.”
Jon Dore: Predict the WordsI dont like cell phones. Im never sending another text message as long as I live because I dont like a phone that tries to predict the words Im trying to send to people. Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day. But I meant to text, You should get tested.
Jessi Klein: Backhanded ComplimentGuys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then theyre just like, Enjoy. And Im like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, thats like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, thats just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to f**k you.
A pregnant woman gets into a c...A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.