Light travels faster than soun...Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The Cleaning Bill
Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk.
One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt.
He looks at his buddy and says "My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says "don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill.
The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home.
When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. "just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself". The man replies "No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says "Wait one minute theres $40 here!
The guy looks at her and says " Oh yea, he shit in my pants too!
A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.
Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
You Might Be A Redneck If 73
You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
The experimentEvery night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.
Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.
Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Find the right combination
“To use a computer to...
“To use a computer to prospect for gold, you need to downlode.”
Donald Glover: Serious Black CandidateWhen he was coming up, people were like, We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate. And then when he won, they were like, Our first multi-racial president. And I was like, Thats not fair. I mean, lets set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldnt yell, Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!
Pee in ChurchA mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.
The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."
So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"
"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."
Lost at Sea?
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"
1-ironWhat should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing