Jokes of the day for Monday, 04 August 2014

Two words....

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And, Sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

Funny Sayings

- Girls are like phones, if you press the wrong button you'll

get disconnected.

- I'm an angel, honest, the horns are just there to keep the

halo from falling!

- Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me an angel, so what

happend to you?

- It's better to appear stupid then to open your mouth and

reviel all hope.

- Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend!

- Guys are roses, but you might find some pricks.

- If you need a nickle, I'll give you a dime but if you want a

male bitch, don't mess with mine!

- Don't call me a godess, don't call me a queen, just call me

the cutest princess you've ever seen.

- Did the sun come up or did you just smile?

- If you don't like my driving, stay off the side walk!

- If men are from Mars, why can't we send them back?

- I excerise a lot...I jump to conclusions, push my luck, and

dodge deadlines!

- I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

- I couldn't fix your breaks, so i made your horn louder

- You can push everyone around....just not through a door that

says pull.

- What goes around...usually gets dizzy and falls to the ground.

- May your life be like toilet paper...long and usefull

Bernie was invited to his frie...

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

“I tried talking abou...

“I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.”

What Is Wrong

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

You know it is time to reasses...

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Computer Lingo Guide

Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove
Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter - Come on in
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen - What is a must during black fly season
Chip - What you munch during a football games
Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem - What you did to your fields last July
Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the grandkids sit
Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them
Software - Plastic picnic utensils
Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof
Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock
Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it

Caskets

Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?

A: "Is that you coughin'?"

3 little boys

Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first

little black boy says, "What would you do with a million

dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac

over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink

Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy

asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy

replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked

"why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of

hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!

Mark Gross: Can You Help?

A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge.

The maids revenge

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

You might be a redneck if 28

You might be a redneck if...

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

Pet names....

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

A family is at the dinner tabl...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Writes and Wrongs

Teacher: "Your spelling is really improving, Henry, I only counted three mistakes."
Henry: "That's great!"
Teacher: "And now, let's check the second sentence."