A mushroom walks into a bar an...A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, didn't you read the sign? It says 'No mushrooms!'" The mushroom replies, "C'mon man, I'm a fungi!"
The Teacher had asked the clas...The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
How many children...
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
Knock Knock Collection 128
Meredith kind of Knock Knock
jokes and I'm leaving!
Mickey is lost so that's why I'm knocking!
Midas well open the door!
Mikey won't fit in this lock!
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!
The American, The Asain, And The CanadianThere are 3 people standing on the top off a cliff, on american one asain and one canadian. They are told to throw off the item that appears most in their country. So the american says "Ah, that's to easy, I'll go first" so the american walks up to the cliff and throws off some drugs. The candian and the asain clap and say good job to the american. The american steps back and the asain goes next. He takes some rice and throws it of the cliff and says, "Too much rice, make me sick" The other two clap and the asain steps back and the canadian stepped forward. He thinks for quite a while and finnally decides. He picked um some beer and looked as if he was goin to throw it off but then he said, "Wait" and he chugged down the beer turned around grabbed the asain and threw him off the cliff and said, "Get the Fuck out of my country"
“I was terrified anae...
“I was terrified anaesthetising my first big cat, but I had to feel the fur and do it anyway.”
Find a famous person
May Joe R.I.P.
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts CurriculumHeres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.
A guy was driving when a polic...A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
Chicken on the Football Field
Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.