Jokes of the day for Sunday, 24 August 2014
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 24 August 2014 |
My friend asked me...
My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."
He said, "So?"
And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
Supporting a family...
Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.
"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."
"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."
Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 3 August 2014
Only In America
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Rogaine and Viagra
Q: What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
A: Hair that stands straight up on your head.
Tetanus Shot
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.""Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
All roads lead to Chuck Norris...
All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.Chemistry Song 04
Silent Labs
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.
Jesus is watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked, 'I'm trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed.
'Warn me, eh? Who are you?'
'Moses,' replied the parrot.
`Moses?' The burglar laughed. 'What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?'
The parrot replied, 'Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Hospital Trolley
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Guess who's the bride
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
Plane lost both engines
A plane is flying over the Mediterranean.
A pilots voice comes on And says a terrible thing has happened.
We’ve lost both engines and we’re gonna have to land in the Mediterranean.
The plane will stay afloat for a very short time.
And we’ll be able to open the door just long enough that everyone can get out.
We have to do this in an orderly fashion.
Everyone that can swim just go to the right wing and stand there.
Everyone who can’t swim just go to the left wing and just stand there.
Those of you on the right wing you’ll find a little island it’s in the direction of the Sun about two miles off, and as the plane goes under just swim in an orderly fashion out and you’ll be fine.
And for those of you on the left wing…
I want to thank you for flying Air Italia.
How You Made Money
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."