Yo mama so black, I shot at he...Yo mama so black, I shot at her and the bullet came back and asked for a flashlight
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Television From Iraq
Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq
- "Mad About Everything"
- "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
- "Suddenly Sanctions"
- "Allah McBeal"
- "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
- "Achmed's Creek"
- "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
- "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
- "Just Shoot Me"
Clinton CollectionsA Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow,
this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between
the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed
about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the
middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself
in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates
him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his
lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him".
"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot
of folks still siphoning."
"I met my wife at a singles' bar."
"I thought she was home with the kids."
“The fruit farmer is ...
“The fruit farmer is berry competitive in his field.”
Calculate the number 9712
Watch For Fallen Rocks
Driving down a remote road, a motorist sees a sign that says: "Watch For Fallen Rocks."
A couple of miles of careful driving later, he spots some pebbles and stops to pick a few up. Arriving in the next town, the motorist carries the stones into the highway maintenance office.
Placing them on the counter, he says to an official: "Here are your fallen rocks. Now where's my watch?"
A pipe burst in a doctor's hou...A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Vegas high rollerThis guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later thereâs a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, thatâs outrageous.
"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object."
A half hour after sheâs done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?
"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."
"What, thatâs outrageous."
"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.
"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after sheâs done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.
"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, Iâve gotta know, How much for some pussy?"
The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."
Jay Larson: Embarrassing PurchaseI bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? Its an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think its no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.
“The land where movie...
“The land where movies are made is called reel estate.”