Little Johnny on Math
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johhny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
“Broken puppets for s...
“Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.”
Little JohnnyLittle Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
An absent-minded academic had ...An absent-minded academic had just moved to a new house further along the same street. All too aware of his tendency to forget things, his wife took the precaution of writing down the new address on a piece of paper before he set off for work that morning.
"Here's the key to our new house," she said, "and remember, don't come back here this evening, go to the new address."
"Very well, dear," he replied, and set off for work.
Inevitably in the course of the day he mislaid the slip of paper and, forgetting all about the move, he automatically returned to the old address. When he tried the key, he couldn't get in. This prompted him to remember the move and to search in his pockets for the piece of paper, which was nowhere to be found.
In desperation, he wandered along the street and stopped the first approachable young man he came across.
"Excuse me, young man, I'm Professor Richardson. You wouldn't happen to know where I live, would you?"
The boy sighed. "Come with me Dad," he said.
1. Refuse to take action on na...1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.
2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.
3. Consider the power of negative thinking.
4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.
5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.
6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.
7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.
8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.
9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.
10. Never read a book or listen to music.
11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.
12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.
13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.
14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.
15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.
16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.
17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.
18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.
What a winning combination?
I Dare YouAt a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."
Jewish and Chinese Beginnings
"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."
What do you call a man who doesn't cheat on his wife when he is away on business?
A Gummy Problem
Q: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
A: He was stuck to the chicken's foot.
Possible IBM Acronyms
IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible
Pukeing drunkTwo notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk.
"But he shit in my pants too."
A psychiatrist was conducting ...A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."