Jokes of the day for Sunday, 09 November 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 09 November 2014
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Duck Hunting

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
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A church minister decided to t...

A church minister decided to try something a little different for his Sunday sermon. He told his congregation: "I am going to call out a single word, and I want you to sing a hymn that immediately springs to mind."
First, the minister shouted out: "Cross."
And the congregation started to sing in unison: "The Old Rugged Cross."
Next he shouted out: "Grace."
And the congregation immediately burst into a rendition of "Amazing Grace."
Then the minister called out: "Sex."
There was a stunned silence from the congregation with everyone looking at each other nervously until a little old lady at the back started to sing in a frail, trembling voice: "Precious memories..."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Funny video of the day - Funny Pranks - Pranks 2014

Funny Pranks - Pranks 2014 - Funny Pranks 2014 Compilation - link to page video is posted initially.
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The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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 Workplace Insanity


HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Funny Photo of the day - Test your stupidity

Test your stupidity | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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April Fool's Day Prank - Stuff doughnuts...

Stuff doughnuts with mayonnaise.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Bloopers from Sunday School Students

  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
    #joke
  • Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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    Calculate the number 4059

    NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 4059 using numbers [7, 9, 5, 2, 32, 250] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
    CHECK ANSWER
    Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

    Reese's ...

    Reese's new peanut butter spread is controversial — it's causing a stir among the Nutellagentsia.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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    A guy was standing at the bott...

    A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo.
    In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell
    "No training is needed or you will be in danger"
    The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful"
    "Be very careful"
    Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands
    "Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked
    "NO, TRAINING"
    "I can do it"
    "Ok don't say you haven't been warned"
    Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body
    He yelled to the crowd
    "Does anybody know this man?”
    Quazimodo then answered
    "No, but his face rings a bell"
    #joke #policeman
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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    A little old man shuffled slow...

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?
    No," he replied, "arthritis".
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
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    Quick Guide to Programming Languages

    Quick Guide to Programming Languages

    The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.

    TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

    C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

    C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

    FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.

    Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

    Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.

    COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.

    LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

    FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

    Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.

    BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

    Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.

    HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.

    Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

    APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

    SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

    Unix:

    % ls

    foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o

    % rm * .o

    rm:.o no such file or directory

    % ls

    %

    Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

    370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

    Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.

    Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.

    Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.

    Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.

    Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

    #joke
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
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    Condom

    Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

    A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
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    You need to get a life outside

    You need to get a life outside of the internet. Go outside, look around. I'm sure trailer parks smell lovely in the morning.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
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    The bank robber look...

    “The bank robber looked so peaceful and innocent lying there under his big fluffy blanket. Just goes to show you, you can't judge a crook by his cover.”

    #joke #short
    Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
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    Three sons left home, went out...

    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
    The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
    The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
    The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
    Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
    "Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
    "But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 November 2009
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    Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate

    I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying.
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 November 2010
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    Lincoln Booty Call... Debate

    Look, we can debate this all night...

    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 November 2012
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    College Pride

    A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.

    "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies.

    A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

    "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

    "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

    #joke #doctor
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 November 2011
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