Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,
"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was"
“My son's spelling ...
“My son's spelling test consisted of synonyms of the word incorrect. He was able to write every wrong.”
Funny video of the day - The Incredible Dog Shrinking Machine
I Can't SleepA man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00.
If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
A husband and wife were drivin...A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? You must do it at night."
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."
Knock Knock Collection 035
Cherry oh, see you later!
Chester the nick of time!
Chesterfield my leg so I slapped him!
Chicken the oven, I can smell burning!
Chile out tonight!
Calculate the number 3125
Caught on the JobThe new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”
*A few clowns short of a ci...*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
Yo mama soo POOR!
Yo mama so POOR I saw her crying by the 25 cent machine, and asked her what's wrong. She said, 'The machine won't take my food stamps!'
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
I saw a young teenage kid on ...I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
Calm people are mellowCalm people are mellow dramatic.
The man charged into the jewel...The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
A local business was looking f...A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
The Hot ShotA young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
How You Earned It
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."