Jokes of the day for Thursday, 18 December 2014

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 18 December 2014
  • Currently 9.27/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (30)

Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."  

#joke
Joke | Source: Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

November

“November: We start the month out stuffing ballots to elect some turkey, we end the month stuffing a turkey to increase our ballast.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny video of the day - Kick machine - Korean guy kicks arcade game!!!

Kick machine - Korean guy kicks arcade game!!! - Took out the guys from King of Connexion. We just had to.... His name is Kick Gun of King of Connexion - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads

"Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”
#joke
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A man sits down at a restauran

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I'll have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind and decides to have pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Meaty Christmas tree

Meaty Christmas tree - In case there is not enough space under the tree | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Sunbathing...

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned woman, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

 Men And Computers

Q: Why are men like computers?
A: As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer you couldn't have gotten a better model!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Replace the question mark with a number

MATH PUZZLE: Can you replace the question mark with a number?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Snowman auto correct issue

Sup?

Heading to gym.

Armday-gonna turn these twigs into logs, you?

Doing some shopping then melting my family.

You're what!?

Meeting! Meeting! Stupid auto correct

Image Credit: Shaun Wilders

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

What do cows chant at a soccer

What do cows chant at a soccer game? Au lait, au lait, au lait, au lait.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A city slicker moves to the co

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

New Prayers

The girls' prayer:

Our Cash

Which art on plastic

Hallowed be thy name

Thy Cartier watch

Thy Prada bag

In Myer

As it is in David Jones

Give us each day our Platinum Visa

And forgive us our overdraft

As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard

And lead us not into Katies

And deliver us from Sussans

For thine is the Dinnigan,

the Akira and the Armani

For Chanel No.5 and Eternity

Amex.

The boys' prayer:

Our beer

Which art in bottles

Hallowed by thy sport

Thy will be drunk

I will be drunk

At home as it is in the pub

Give us each day our daily schooners

And forgive us our spillage

As we forgive those who spillest against us

And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting

And deliver us from Tequila

For mine is the bitter

The chicks and the footy

Forever and ever

Barmen.

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Three-Legged Dog

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!”

#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Yo momma is so stupid when I t

Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

*A few clowns short of a ci...

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 November 2014
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Why did the blonde tip-toe ...

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet.....

so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 December 2009
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (46)

Laura Kightlinger: Christmas Sadness

My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. Cause Im plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didnt I get to open this year?
#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2011
  • Currently 5.05/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (22)

An elderly couple is vacationi...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 December 2010
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (21)

"Brokeback Mountain" is not ju...

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2011
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (19)

Give him an orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 December 2010
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (16)

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