Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 December 2014
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 25 December 2014 |
Lost Wife
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...... at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car.
Freddie and John were fortunat
Freddie and John were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Chelsea. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat (B14) next to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.One half-time Freddie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for B14. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to Freddie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. John could not resist asking the newcomer, "Where have you been all season?"
"Don't ask," he said, "My wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present."
Funny video of the day - Top 5 Pranks of 2014
You know that you are living in 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this list.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Physical Training Job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
Christmas QA jokes part three
Q: What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?
A: Santa paws!!!
Q: What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?
A: Silent night!
Q: What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?
A: Ice cream.
Q: Why do mummys like the holidays?
A: Becuse of all the wrapping!
Q: Why don’t aliens celebrate Chistmas?
A: Because they don’t want to give away their presence.
Q: When does New Year’s Day come before Christmas Day?
A: Every year!
Q: Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?
A: Because he is so cool!
Q.Which reindeer likes to clean?
A.Comet
Santa and ex girlfriend
Ok! Yes! I went to my old girlfriend's house last night! It's my job! Christmas Present
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
A young man tutored hi
A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,
he thought of it as his mission,
he kissed her once then once again and said
"There, that's addition!"
She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
she kissed once and once again,
smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"
Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
they kissed each other once, then twice,
and said "that must be multiplication!"
Meanwhile the young lady's father
had this 'lesson' in his vision,
he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said
"Then that is long division!"
Donkeys at Christmas
Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
A: Mule-tide greetings.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a p
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.Post Office
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
When a bosomy St. Nick appeare
When a bosomy St. Nick appeared to me in a dream, I began questioning my Santa titty.Two elderly gentlemen from a r
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it. A Blonde walks into a Restarau...
A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."
An Israeli doctor says...
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work. Meals in Heaven
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,
and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell
and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,
pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,
and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of
tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed
a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to
be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this
is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the
Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two
people, does it pay to cook?"