Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 January 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 16 January 2015
  • Currently 9.31/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (127)

There once was a set of twin a

There once was a set of twin alligators that grew up in the same bayou. One, however, was much larger and stronger than the other.
One day the twins were sitting there talking, and trying to figure out why one was so much bigger - since they were the same age, had the same genes, and grew up in the same place. The bigger alligator asked his smaller brother where he had been feeding.
The smaller said, "Down in that parking lot at the end of the bayou, why?"
The bigger said, "well, thats where I feed too, what's your technique?"
The smaller then looked at him and said, "Well, I go over to one of those lawyers cars, and hide up under it, when he comes out, I grab him, shake the shit out of him, and then eat him."
The larger then exclaimed, "That's it! by the time you shake the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but the briefcase!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Senior Citizen

You know you're a senior citizen when every time you leave your house...

You have to go back because of something you forget.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny video of the day - Dominik Sky - "Window Jumps" 2014 Showreel (HD)

Dominik Sky - "Window Jumps" 2014 Showreel (HD) - Slovenian free runner Dominik Starašinič, aka Dominik Sky, shows off his jumping skills… - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

I love the expression - A Number Of ...

I love the expression
"A Number Of ..."
Because it doesn't mean anything.

A number of Victoria Secret models have expressed interest in sleeping with me.

That number is zero.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory

And Jesus said unto Peter, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"

But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Work in bed - no problem

Work in bed - no problem - After lots of do-it-yourself solution you can now buy professional gadget | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

“How did Mister Nucle

“How did Mister Nucleus escape from prison? Through the cell wall.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is Q. Length of words in solution: 5,4.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 This Tells Me That I Must Be Drunk


A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Reincarnation Surprise

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

I see an increase in prostitut

I see an increase in prostitution on the ho, risin'.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A brain surgeon told a patient

A brain surgeon told a patient “you have a growing mass in your brain, it needs to be tended to immediately or it will kill you"
The patient agreed to surgery the very next day.
Immediately after opening the skull the surgeon took a biopsy of the ugly growing mass and gave it to the surgical nurse with instructions to rush it to the lab and have it analyzed.
After a few minutes the nurse returned with the results and stood silently and grimly in front of the surgeon…. The surgeon finally asked…."WELL IS IT MALIGNANT?"
The nurse replied…" I'm afraid it’s worse" …" WORSE", the surgeon barked, "WHAT CAN BE WORSE THAN MALIGNANT?"
The nurse bowed her head and replied solemnly, "it's Liberal Progressive"…!!!
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Jones came into the office an

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?"he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided todrive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then thedrawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river,look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviouslydisappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Old and 18 yr old

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

"Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"

"No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Duct Tape

Q: What do The Force and duct tape have in common?

A: They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Q: What do you do when a blond

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run because she has a grenade in her mouth.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Two malls

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

Chris Rock (February 7 1965-)

Picture: AFP/Getty Images

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Husband for sale

A store where a woman may go to choose a husband has opened in Auckland.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store only once! There are six floors, and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.”

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 --These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks. “But I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.28/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (29)

Tony Rock: Alcohol Is a Drug

I love alcohol, man. Some people call alcohol a drug, too. Some people say that, Alcohols a drug. Not me, I call it a vitamin. Cause whatever your deficiency is, alcohol will treat it.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 January 2012
  • Currently 3.85/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (27)

Masturbation Contest

Who's the world's greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 January 2012
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (22)

Bush meets Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 January 2010
  • Currently 5.29/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (21)

Tony Rock: Whole Other Level

Heres a tip for all the weed smokers in the room. If youre going to smoke, always smoke with your fat friends -- the fatter the better. Cause your fat friends will take the munchies to a whole other level. Your fat friends are like, Damn, potato chips? Im gonna go bake a cake.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 January 2011
  • Currently 2.90/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (21)

Physics...

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 16 January 2009
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (12)

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