Jokes of the day for Saturday, 31 January 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 31 January 2015
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Happy New Year 2021!! Happy New Year 2021

One evening a man was at home

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "According to the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The best way to end a fight...

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

"Well," said the other woman, "if that was true, that would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Month January 2015

Best Fails of the Month January 2015 - What's up Soldiers!? We have here the most hilarious, epic fails from the month of January. So far 2015 has started out strong and we've put together the funniest videos into one compilation. Subscribe, let us know your thoughts in the comments, and as always, SALUTE! - link to page video is posted initially.
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 Dog Jokes 03


Q: What is a dog's favorite sport?
A: Formula 1 drooling!

Q: What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A: A Great Dane out!

Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

Q: What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
A: "I must throw that doggie out the window!"

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A bloodhound!

Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!

Q: What is a dog's favorite food?
A: Anything that is on your plate!

Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
A: A hot dog!

Q: What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
A sausage dog!

Q: What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
A: Use a pencil instead!


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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No-Parking Zone

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Children act like animals

Children act like animals | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Timothy :Why are you catching

Timothy :Why are you catching so many fleas?
Mike :Didn't you see the Notice Board?
There's going to be a Flea Market at
our Apartment Lobby tomorrow morning.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A young woman came home and to

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steadyboyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him downbecause she found out he was an atheist, and didn'tbelieve in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'llshow him just how very wrong he is."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
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CINEMANIA: Guess the movie title

With the help of a German bounty hunter, a freed slave sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner. Film was made in 2012.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Bowling again!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

#joke #blonde #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
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A blond goes to Target

A blonde was shopping at Target &came across a shiny silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & tookit to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold thingscold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blonde replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
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Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

First the doctor told me the good news

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin (August 14 1945-)

Picture: Rex Features

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

“Two loaves of bread

“Two loaves of bread wanted to get married, so they eloafed.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
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Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Saving up for 75 years

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
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Chilling with Eskimos

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

A. Polaroids.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 November 2014
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Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 January 2010
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You got the warning

Finding one of her students making faces at

others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to

gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher

said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told

if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and

I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith,

you can't say you weren't warned."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 January 2009
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Rating: 6.5/10 (23)

A Polish immigrant went to the...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 January 2010
  • Currently 7.27/10

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You know that you are living in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to send this list.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 31 January 2009
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