Jokes of the day for Saturday, 07 March 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 07 March 2015 |
"Doc, you've gotta help me...
"Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?""Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is miserable! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation.
Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man!"
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too!"
Who gets the present?
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
You Might Be A Redneck If 77
You might be a reneck if...
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 1 March 2015
Which deadly reptile attacks v
Which deadly reptile attacks via telemarketing scams? The crock-dial!Only in America do we chain \\
Only in America do we chain $2.00 ink pens to the counter but leave our $58,000 cars out in the driveway.A women accompanied her husban
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
Jury fixing
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.
The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
A blonde decides to try horseb
A blonde decides to try horseback rising. On her first outing, the bouncing horse causes her to lose control. As she's thrown from the horse, her foot catches in the stirrup, so she lands head first. Just as she loses consciousness, the carnie stops the carousel.I wish people would stop making fun of fat people
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people – they have enough sh-t on their plates.
Eddie Murphy (April 3 1961-)
Picture: Getty Images
The pickle slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did," he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?" she asked.
"I got fired," he replied.
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she demanded.
"Oh... she got fired too."
Christmas Eve Accident
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College
I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology. Dumber Child
There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”
The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”
The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”
Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.
Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”
Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”
Blonde at the hospti
A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her elbow and it hurt. She touched her callf and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes."Thats why!!!!!!!!" "Your finger is broken!"
Answering Machine Message 252
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
“When you purchase st...
“When you purchase stuff south of the border, you don't Peso much.”