Jokes of the day for Sunday, 08 March 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 08 March 2015
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Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
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Pharmacist: May I help you, si

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Yes...I, uh...well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight, and you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: You need some protection.
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium, or large?
Customer: Uhhhh. Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks!!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Funny video of the day - Meanwhile in a Bar in Russia

Meanwhile in a Bar in Russia - Here, take this helmet, you’re gonna need it‘…. - link to page video is posted initially.
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Missing parrot...

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!" The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he knows how to say is, "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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 Kids At The Wedding


At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Funny Photo of the day - Cheers

Cheers | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Trying to Please Mama

The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration.
"I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”
"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”
"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”
"Mom, I’m going to the president. I can get you the food you need.”
"But how will I get there?”
"I’ll send a limo, Mom. Just come!”
"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”
The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. “See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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Silly putty enjoys top 10 r

Silly putty enjoys top 10 goo glee rankings.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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CINEMANIA: Guess the movie title

Henry Hill and his friends work their way up through the mob hierarchy. Film was made in 1990.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A young man just had his first

A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever. The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him. The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this. The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights. The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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One of the airlines recently i

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
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Assorted 1

What's the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.

What do UFOs and caring men have in common?

You keep hearing about them but you never see any for yourself.

Why is sex like a game of cards?

Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the difference between a man and a bottle of whisky?

Whisky improves with age.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?

Because it is unused.

What do you call a man who has suddenly lost 98 percent of his brain?

Divorced.

Did you hear about the stupid man who wanted to be a chef?

He thought coq au vin was sex in the back of a lorry.

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?

Because they always dribble before they shoot.

Did you hear about the man who used to complain about the decorating while having sex?

He was destined to a life of DIY.

What are the three types of men?

The handsome,

the caring and the majority.

What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?

Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.

What is a man?

A life-support machine for a penis.

What's the nicest thing about a n*dist wedding?

You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?

Slow down.

Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What should you do with your old mates after a good night in?

Tie them in knots and throw them in the bin.

What do you call a Spanish streaker?

Senor Willy.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
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Bigamy

Q: What's the downside to bigamy?

A: More than one mother-in-law.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
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So, a thought crossed your min

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
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What Iran needs now

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.

Shappi Khorsandi (June 8 1973-)

Picture: JAY WILLIAMS FOR THE TELEGRAPH

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
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“Art theft is a haul

“Art theft is a haul of frames.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
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the blonde and the b

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"

she looked confused and said "where we going?"

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 March 2012
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The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”
“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 March 2010
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Mom Would Never Say


Things Mom Would Never Say

  1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
  2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
  3. "Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
  4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
  5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
  6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
  7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
  8. "I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
  9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"


#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 08 March 2011
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During a terrible storm, all t...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 March 2010
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Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship

The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if its long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 March 2012
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