You’re in Charge of...
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling" To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?
The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him" So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him." The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of Sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
Dear Pun Gents...Dear Pun Gents,
I am looking for several slogans for a new mobile massage company in Ca. Will be tweeting 2-4X per week. View the website at elevateinhome.com
60-120 minute massages to your home, office, hotel door. No happy endings, purely legit. We are competing with two established companies, but adding extras like custom music playlists, in-home chef prepared meal. No sexual innuendo please. THANKS! ~David J
Funny video of the day - Magic Door Prank
"How did you find your steak?""How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.
"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"
“They say it's easy
“They say it's easy to get your mind around introspection.”
Helpful Priest?A priest was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small, and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moved across the street and walked up behind the little fellow. Placing his hands kindly on the child’s shoulder, he leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”
A guy walks into a bar, sits aA guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk
Calculate the number 9712
A mother took her daughter toA mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"
Business One-liners 67
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.
Q: What is the clumsiest insect?
A: The bumbling bee.
I never got along with my dad
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?
Bill Hicks (1961-1994)
Picture: Film Stills
So, a thought crossed your minSo, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
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Natasha Leggero: Boston BlackoutThis girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party.
Men are like a pack of Cards...Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...
SupermanThis guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.
He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.
He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."
The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.
"Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.
"How did you do that?"
"Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"
"Alright, get out of the way!
The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
An Antartian named Babbette fi...An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."