Jokes of the day for Saturday, 04 April 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 04 April 2015
  • Currently 9.45/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (106)

Happy New Year 2021!! Happy New Year 2021

Mike was visiting Jim and disc

Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang.
Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena.
Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.
Mike, in his pompous lack of knowledge, said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is."
"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.
"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis'. So 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Making God Laugh

You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 1 April 2015

Best Fails of the Week 1 April 2015 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Heads of state don't pla

Heads of state don't play volleyball. It could a set a president. It spikes ill of any such figure who seeks a bump in popularity.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A man who was just married was

A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:
Dear love,
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.
Love,
Me.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny Photo of the day - Anti-Stress Station

Anti-Stress Station | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

I went to the shop the other d...

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (41)

Dead or Alive...

GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

What a winning combination?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Blonde SUV

Q: Why didn't the blonde drive her SUV to the cleaners?

Because the commercial said, "This car won't take you to the

cleaners."

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Centipede & Parrot

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipide with a parrot?

A: A walkie-talkie.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Yo mama's teeth so yellow, I

Yo mama's teeth so yellow, I can't believe its not butter.
#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

“I had plans to begin

“I had plans to begin reading a book about sinkholes but they fell through.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"      

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis...
When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
Short a few cards.
Short-circuited between the earphones.
Should be the poster child for family planning.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Single-sided, low density.
Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 February 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 April 2011
  • Currently 5.34/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (56)

Facelift

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 April 2013
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (35)

Maria Bamford: Religious Worship

My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 April 2011
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (34)

Dreaming in color

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 April 2012
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (22)

Dan Naturman: At a Job Interview

Heres an example of something you never say at a job interview: Can I have my resume back? Its my only copy.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 April 2012
  • Currently 3.68/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (22)

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