Mike was visiting Jim and discMike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang.
Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena.
Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.
Mike, in his pompous lack of knowledge, said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is."
"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.
"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis'. So 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."
Making God LaughYou know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.
Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 1 April 2015
Heads of state don't plaHeads of state don't play volleyball. It could a set a president. It spikes ill of any such figure who seeks a bump in popularity.
A man who was just married wasA man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
I went to the shop the other d...I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
Dead or Alive...GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT...
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
What a winning combination?
Centipede & Parrot
Q: What do you get when you cross a centipide with a parrot?
A: A walkie-talkie.
Yo mama's teeth so yellow, IYo mama's teeth so yellow, I can't believe its not butter.
“I had plans to begin
“I had plans to begin reading a book about sinkholes but they fell through.”
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
A Collection Of InsultsA brief synopsis...
When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
She worries about the calories licking stamps and envelopes.
She's a screensaver: Looks good, but useless.
Short a few cards.
Short-circuited between the earphones.
Should be the poster child for family planning.
Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.
Single-sided, low density.
Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Sloppy as a soup sandwich.
Slow as molasses in January.
Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."
She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.
But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.
"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.
The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."
"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."