Jokes of the day for Friday, 10 April 2015

Education system

This kind of education system is good for nothing...

Two college classmates met for

Two college classmates met for the first time in years.
"How goes it with you, Pete?" asked one.
"Not good at all," mourned Pete. "My wife ran away with the mail man, my son is a juvenile delinquent, my bank failed, and all my teeth will have to come out."
"Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that," sympathized the classmate. "What business are you in now?"
"Some old line," answered Pete. "Selling good-luck charms."

“I met a quantum phys

“I met a quantum physicist the other day, he had a few quarks.”

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jbooklover

A con man recently def

A con man recently defrodo'd me of my hobbits.

Rome did not create a great em

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it bykilling all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probablyhaven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Remote control...

The clerk asked me, "Cash, check or charge?" after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote when you go shopping?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the best way to get even with him!"

 Miscellaneous Terms

Arbitrator \\ar'-bi-tray-ter\\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \\uh-voy'-duh-buhl\\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \\buh-lo'-nee\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \\bur'-gler-ize\\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \\kown-ter-fit-ers\\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \\e-klips'\\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \\i'-drop-ur\\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \\hee'-rhos\\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \\left' bangk'\\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \\mis'-tee\\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \\par'-uh-doks\\: Two physicians.
Parasites \\par'-uh-sites\\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \\farm'-uh-sist\\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \\po'-lur-ize\\: What penguins see with.

Bible Verses

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to

visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one

house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came

to the door even after he had knocked several times.

Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back

"Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his

card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation

"Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and

knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will

come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the

garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Blind Dinosaur

Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.

A bank robber pulls out gun po...

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."      

Confucius say: Man who want pr...

Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.

Reasonable doubt...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

A plus

A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Submitted by Curtis

Did You Make A Donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

Shane Mauss: Crazy Expressions

Expressions are crazy. How about the one, What crawled up your ass and died? Thats a strange one; it means a persons in a bad mood or whatever. It doesnt make any sense. I think that one would be in a worse mood if said thing were still alive.

A motorist caught by a speed c...

A motorist caught by a speed camera received notification of a fine in the mail, plus a picture of his vehicle. Duly impressed, he sent back the notification along with a photo of a $100 note to pay the fine.