Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
WhyWhy did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
She had three men giving her directions.
Funny video of the day - Oregon runner prematurely celebrates win
One evening, a man gave his ti...One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her.
Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat. Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.
The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.
"That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"
“A sports coat worn o
“A sports coat worn on a hike is a trailblazer.”
Where Was Jesus Born?A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one.
His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get out!" cries the shocked priest.Next stop is a Southern Baptist church where the seeker is told he would have to learn Bible verses, swear belief in the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy sprinklin'"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows, asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.
Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?" "That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"
Starving sheep in India are caStarving sheep in India are candidates for ewe thin asia.
Find the right combination
A teacher was wrapping up clasA teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking abouttomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for notshowing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or animmediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexualexhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at thestudent, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other handto write."
A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
He proudly said,"go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A redhead said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "That's easy - 'W'."
Q: How did disco die?
A: In the disco inferno.
Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans fQ: Why do Mexicans eat beans for dinner?
A: So they can take bubble baths.
Business One-liners 42
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
Attending a wedding for the fi...Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Change your course
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: Â“Change your course 10 degree east.Â” The light signals back: Â“Change yours, 10 degrees west.Â” Angry, the captain sends: Â“IÂ’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!Â” Â“IÂ’m a seaman, second class,Â” comes the reply. Â“Change your course, sir.Â” Now the captain is furious. Â“IÂ’m a battleship! IÂ’m not changing course!Â” There is one last reply. Â“IÂ’m a lighthouse. Your call.Â”
Wake up call
A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."