Caught YouA speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.
The driver asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding."
The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?"
The man then said, "yes".
"Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.
A man has not been feeling welA man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and x-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation.
The doctor replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months."
The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion."
"Okay," the doctor answers, "you are ugly, too!"
Funny video of the day - Bunny Steals Crackers from a Baby
“I tried to update my
“I tried to update my computer this morning but it wouldn't work. After several attempts, I had that syncing feeling.”
Three Wishes from a GenieThe pastoral associate, the associate pastor, and the pastor are taking a shortcut to a meeting. As they walk through a vacant lot, the trio stumbles on an ancient oil lamp. On a lark they rub it, and to their amazement a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish.
The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, lolling in the sun without a care!” The genie waves his hand and she disappears in a puff of smoke.
The associate pastor jumps up and says, “I want to be walking through the halls of the Vatican, marveling at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.” He too disappears.
Scowling, the pastor says to the genie,” I want t hose two back in time for the meeting.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Half bull, half dwarf? Run, itHalf bull, half dwarf? Run, it's the minutaur!
One night a police officer wasOne night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”
FLEX WORDLEGuess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
A man goes into hospital for aA man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Economics Ruins Life
Economics is ruining your life when...
- I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner
- I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles
An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
'Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!' and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,
'Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
'Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston's field making love.'
The police chief smiled and said;
'Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay.'
'Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!'
Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.
'Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex.'
To which Pierre replied,
'Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.'
Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply,
'Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!'
Hearing this Pierre shouted,
'Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said,
'Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.'
Did you hear about the evil tuna?
He was rotten to the albacore.
A man approached a very beautiA man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had.
I was so angry when I caught them, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
A bit of Latin in my time
I've done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.
Eddie Izzard (February 7 1962)
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
A Puzzle for Darwin
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Helicopter Flying LessonsA blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to
learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000
feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view
is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and
was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I
turned off the big fan!"
A husband and wife at a hotel ...A husband and wife at a hotel asked for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call." The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only a minute ago." "I know," replied the receptionist, "but there are two of you."
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"