Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 April 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 25 April 2015
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (133)

Books

Q: What did one math book say to the other?

A: Man I got a lot of problems!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A couple are touring the Greek

A couple are touring the Greek islands when the girl develops a serious rash down below. She decides to go to a pharmacy and get some medicine for her condition. Her English is not very good and she tells the pharmacist, "I would like some medicine that get rid of bugs in my bush."
The pharmacist misunderstood her and told her to go over to section with lawn care products and select one of the strong insecticides. The girl did as she was instructed and bought one of these products.
In a week she was back in the pharmacy again and talking to the pharmacist. He asked her if her condition was cleared up.
"Why yes, it is," she replied. "In fact all of the bugs in my bush are gone. My hair down there is gone too. And my boyfriends moustache is also gone!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Best Fails of the Week 4 April 2015

Best Fails of the Week 4 April 2015 - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

 Answering Machine Message 71


Theme music from Peter Gunn: My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Cough Syrup

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"  

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Where did this bird?

Where did this bird? | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

What Do You Call a Sleepwalking Nun?

Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming Catholic.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Slavery is owner us Slavery is owner us.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Calculate the number 1540

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1540 using numbers [1, 8, 5, 1, 60, 165] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

In a Classroom the teacher ask

In a Classroom the teacher asks; Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Want to go into space?

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

A man is fishing and he catche

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

“Why did the pig stop

“Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Condom

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. "Cover me. I'm going in."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 November 2014
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Rating: 7.1/10 (20)

Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it."
He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".
Each of the women said "We can't drive".
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"
They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 April 2013
  • Currently 7.58/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (33)

Imagine that

Can u believe what people do in the church these days?

I was in the church listening tothe priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church.

I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 April 2012
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Rating: 5.4/10 (28)

“Did you hear the one...

“Did you hear the one about the woman who threw her toaster away because it kept burning the bread? She was black toast intolerant.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 April 2014
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Rating: 6.0/10 (24)

Celtic Mortality

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 April 2013
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (24)

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