Jokes of the day for Monday, 27 April 2015

The Shredder

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.
"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy."  

New Car

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession...even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

A man walks into a jewelry sto

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $20,000."
"Oh my!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"

“The poor speller tri

“The poor speller tried to express his reluctance to repeat sixth grade, but words failed him.”

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The breast reduction industry

The breast reduction industry is a real juggernot.

Two drunks were in a bar party

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

The dean of women at an exclus...

The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourselfjust one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: "How do youmake it last an hour?"

Diaper change...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

 Catching The Fish

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

Whorehouse

A sailor returns to port after months at sea and heads to the nearest whorehouse.

The madam says she has only one girl available, and she’ll cost $1,000.

Because he’s desperate, the sailor agrees and heads up to the room.

When the hooker opens the door, she finds the sailor masturbating furiously.

“What the hell are you doing?” the hooker screams.

“For $1,000, you don’t think I’m going to let you have the easy one, do you?” the sailor replies.

Submitted by ¤Çúrtí§¤

Edited by calamjo

I've been in love with the sa

I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Chilling with Eskimos

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

A. Polaroids.

Todd Barry: Book Lights

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.

Dream

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
“I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…

“The Meaning of Dreams”

Chuck Norris can win a game of...

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Peanut Butter Rooster

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?

A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Jump Rope

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? Neah! Skip it!