Jokes of the day for Saturday, 02 May 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 02 May 2015
  • Currently 9.45/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (110)

Dear Pun Gents

Dear Pun Gents,
I am looking for a name for my Waxing and Beauty lounge that I am opening. I would like a pun off of something waxing-related: strip, wax, rip, smooth, etc. I do all body waxing and specialize in Brazilians! ~Cora, Milwaukee, WI
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Two elderly gentlemen, who had...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.03/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (30)

Funny video of the day - Ultimate Segway Fail Compilation

Ultimate Segway Fail Compilation - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

The children were lined up in...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.89/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (45)

Funny Photo of the day - How my wife sees a stop light

How my wife sees a stop light | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY STATISTICS
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Fear of alligators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Find number abc

If 68b10 - c6a78 = 4c1ac find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 Problem With A Dog


Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.
Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

is it michael jackson

little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Natural Blonde

Q: What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

A: Artifical intelligence.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

The secret to a long marriage...

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.
#joke #short #friday
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

“I went out with a co

“I went out with a coal miner's daughter. I guess you could say I was carbon dated.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."  

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Feels great...

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"

She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 May 2010
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 May 2009
  • Currently 5.51/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (37)

Chuck Norris can skip water on...

Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 May 2012
  • Currently 3.45/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (29)

Possible IBM Acronyms


IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 May 2013
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (16)

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
Needs front end alignment.
Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
Network constantly loses packets.
Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 May 2010
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (15)

PREVIOUS DAY
NEXT DAY
Follow jokes of the day on social networks
NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.

Jokes Archive