Jokes of the day for Monday, 04 May 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 04 May 2015
  • Currently 9.46/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (112)

One day a man spotted a lamp b...

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

“When the golfer with

“When the golfer with a serious iron deficiency went back to the doctor for a check-up he was told that he was still not out of the woods.”

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Andy Gross "SplitMan" Returns

Andy Gross "SplitMan" Returns - Magician Cut in Half Elevator magic trick prank - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

6 Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." 
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." 
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." 
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" 
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. 
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?". 
"Yeah, my wife..." 

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

I picked up a rock, then I rea

I picked up a rock, then I realized it was a pomegranate. It was boulder than anything I expected. I was a stone ished
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Rhino Hoof Boots

Rhino Hoof Boots - They’re made of patent leather and have hooves covered with a polyurethane resin. | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Little Johnny wasn't very goo

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the
blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we
have if we placed a "K" in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Fool in love...

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Calculate the number 1937

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1937 using numbers [1, 2, 6, 3, 73, 639] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

 Dream Flying Planes


Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.
Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.
And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.

She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

#joke #blonde #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Moron

Q: Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?

A: He wanted to see a butterfly.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

A husband and wife are in chur...

A husband and wife are in church. The preacher notices that the husband has fallen asleep and says to the wife, “Wake your husband up!” The wife answers, “You're the one who made him fall asleep, you wake him up!”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

An elderly couple who were chi

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled downin their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their oldschool. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where hehad carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured carpractically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know whatto do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & itsfifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it upin their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhoodlooking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find anymoney that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from schoolyesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

The Pastor's Wife

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 January 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Osama Bin Laden'

One day Osama Bin Laden is thinking: What should I blow up first? Then Osama Bin Laden said: "I have decided! bring the servent girl and tell her to get on her kneesand tell her to sacrifice her self!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 May 2012
  • Currently 2.43/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (44)

The ocean was once fresh water...

The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 May 2011
  • Currently 4.39/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (28)

Blonde Arrow

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 04 May 2013
  • Currently 4.07/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (28)

An engineer dies and reports t...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 May 2010
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (26)

Forgetful...

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 May 2009
  • Currently 5.72/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (18)

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