Jokes of the day for Thursday, 09 July 2015

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 09 July 2015
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Crazy people don't know they are crazy

Crazy people don't know they are crazy, I know i'm crazy therefore i'm not crazy. Isn't that crazy.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Minion Quotes - Despicable Me Minions is a website dedicated to minions. Have a good time reading minion quotes, funny quotes or entertain yourself playing minion games.
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Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Moths

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"    

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Top 5 Cosplay Overplay

Top 5 Cosplay Overplay - Comic Con is right around the corner and we have some pretty awesome cosplayers. Who would you dress up as? - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A guy says to the bartender...

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
#joke #doctor #beer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

“When I saw the White

“When I saw the White Cliffs of Dover, I realized that the old saying was true. Chalk is steep.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny Photo of the day - Wading pool filled with 1 million translucent polyethelene balls and a carpeted deck

Wading pool filled with 1 million translucent polyethelene balls and a carpeted deck - The Building Museum’s “Beach” Is as Fun and Ridiculous as It Sounds | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
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Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Confucius Say...Part 2

Confucius Say: "Man who drive like hell bound to get there."
Confucius Say: "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement."
Confucius Say: "Women who put detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy!"
Confucius Say: "Never argue with fool...he may be doing the same thing."
Confucius Say: "Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring."
Confucius Say: "Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money."
Confucius Say: "An old grave digger is called an Elderberry."
Confucius Say: "People who have gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up."
Confucius Say: "Time flies like arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."
Confucius Say: "A man who sits on tack gets point and will surely rise."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jalus
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

After gunning his BMW the wron

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Calculate the number 3798

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 3798 using numbers [7, 6, 4, 2, 92, 655] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

After retiring, I went to the

After retiring, I went to the Social Security officeto apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me formy driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realizedI had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about myexperience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Youmight have gotten disability, too'
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Family quarrel...

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

 George Bush Slogans


Top George Bush Slogans

  1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
  2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
  3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
  4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
  5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
  6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
  7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
  8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
  9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
  10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Blonde Bank Robbers

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first

blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with

the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail.

The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank,

stopped the car and said to Buffie, "I want to make

absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to

be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with

the cash. Do you

understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," replied Buffie.

Buffie went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway

car. One minute passed...three minutes pass...seven

minutes pass... and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffie.

She had a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it

to the car.

About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the

bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming

out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his

ankles while he was firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, "You are such a

blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Buffie said, "I did. I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot!" snapped Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I

said, 'Tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!'"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Q: What’s the difference bet

Q: What’s the difference between a smart blonde and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Laugh Factory Network - Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day
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Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Knock Knock Collection 044


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Datsun!
Datsun who?
Datsun old joke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dave!
Dave who?
Dave for Night!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dawn!
Dawn who?
Dawn leave me out here in the cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deanna!
Deanna who?
Deanna-mals are restless open the cage!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deduct!
Deduct who?
Donald Deduct!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
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Chuckie Chicken

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 July 2012
  • Currently 5.74/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (31)

Dr. Seuss

What If Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer? Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?

What a shame sir!

We'll find you another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
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VIAGRA Press Release**

VIAGRA Press Release**

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen; Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for VIAGRA. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Co as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 July 2010
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One time, Chuck Norris acciden...

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
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