Money TalksThey say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
BETTER DAYSBETTER DAYS ARE CAMING - THEY ARE CALLED SATURDAY AND SUNDAY!
Funny video of the day - Firework Shenanigans Gone Wrong
Two attorneys went into a dine...Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
“Did you hear about t
“Did you hear about the submarine industry? It really took a dive.”
The Buddhist at the DentistQ: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!
If Iran does get the bomb, I wIf Iran does get the bomb, I won't say Ayatollah you so.
What a winning combination?
At school one morning the teac...At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.
One night a teenage girl broug...One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Follow in my footsteps...
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
NASA Mars Mission
NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.
"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team.
Q: Why are most hurricanes namQ: Why are most hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
10 Things You Never Hear in Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Redneck quickies 2You might be a redneck if...
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Stop Credit Card Fraud
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.
Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?
I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.
SupersexA little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo