Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 05 August 2015
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 05 August 2015 |
Curtain Rod
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.
The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.
Don't take life too seriously
Don't take life too seriously. You will not get out of it alive. So, Jane asked the detective...
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating, "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
Funny video of the day - FailArmy's Ode to the UK Fails Compilation
Buying Stamps for Hanukkah
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman replies, "Oh my. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
Who's gonna do The Daily
Who's gonna do The Daily Show? Jon's too hurt.4 baseball fans want to show t
4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find. The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, "I'm the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off. The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, "I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off. The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, "This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!" And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at a...
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht thefrist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl msesand you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raedervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
It's Time
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."
Toilet Paper Named
An Indian girl walked into a general store and asked the clerk for some toilet paper. So the clerk says, "Well, we have two brands of toilet paper: Toilet Paper Royal and the generic kind which doesn't have a name."
So the Indian girl asks, "What's the difference?", to which the clerk replies, "The generic brand is cheaper." So the Indian girl buys the generic brand and walks home.
The next day she walks into the store with the roll of toilet paper and says, "I have found a name for this toilet paper."
Curious the clerk says, "Well what is it?"
The girl replies, "John Wayne, because it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap from Indians."
Why didn’t the melons get...
Q: Why didn’t the melons get married? A: Because they cantaloupe.
Better Prison Foods
Subject: You Deserve a Break Today
San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right.
The high court held that under the the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain."
Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin ....
Too Much Time at the
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer. Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus
Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.Michael Ian Black: Jewish Summer Camps
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? Thats just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didnt want to be. Girlfriend to wife
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.
Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
With best wishes,
Tech Support.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
For 25 Cents
One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”